BY ETHAN KUPERBERG | The New Yorker | July 25, 2013
Welcome to the new Gmail inbox! We’ve been working hard to streamline your user experience, and we’ve updated our advertisement software to make it even more personalized. Here’s a quick peek at some of our newest features.
AdWords
As always, at the top of each e-mail you’ll see a brief ad specifically tailored to that message’s content. Discussing an attractive co-worker? Look no further than right above your inbox, where you’ll find a personalized advertisement for bulk orders of “Sensual Jasmine” scented candles and massage oils at Bath & Body Works (only 2.4 miles away)!
AdSense
We’re proud to introduce AdSense, our latest state-of-the-art, fully integrated ad experience. AdSense not only combs through the words in your e-mails but it also thoroughly analyzes each message’s content! For example, your e-mails to your boss are fairly run of the mill on the surface, but AdSense has noticed that your tone is passive-aggressive and signifies a marked repressed rage. So at the bottom of your e-mail, you’ll see a personalized ad for anger-management therapy! (Note: your boss will also be sent this ad.)
AdDiction
We’re so excited to roll out our latest cutting-edge feature, AdDiction. AdDiction automatically inserts ads straight into the messages of your e-mails, no questions asked! Having a difficult e-mail exchange with your spouse? AdDiction will suggest that you both go to 24 Hour Fitness (only 3.7 miles away!) to de-stress and kick up those endorphins. (As a bonus, AdDiction will also send your entire AdHistory to the recipient of your e-mail. Also, this feature is no longer optional.)
AdAm
This one’s self-explanatory. If you have any friends named Adam, you’re going to have to watch four thirty-second commercials before you can read any of their e-mails.
AdJective
Every time you use an adjective in an e-mail, bam! We’ll throw in an ad! It’s that simple. Let’s say you’re writing an apologetic e-mail to your spouse. Here’s what it would look like with the seamless, personalized help of AdJective: “Babe, I’m sorry. (Sorry, and all of your favorite board games, are now on sale for a limited time at Target!) I didn’t mean to imply that you’re fat. (Speaking of which, how about we take a juicy trip to FatBurger? Voted best burger in Los Angeles!) And I swear to God I didn’t buy Christine any candles. Please, please, please, please don’t do this—I’ve already lost my job and I’m so depressed. (But not for long, because I’m going to talk to my doctor about Prozac! (Possible side effects may include erectile dysfunction, anorexia, and asthenia!))”
AdVice
We are thrilled to tell you all about AdVice, our most personalized, most seamlessly integrated advertisement software yet! AdVice will automatically comb through the content of your e-mail messages and send you customized suggestions and ideas, in the form of ads! For example, AdVice may read your most recent messages and recommend Crichton, Williams, & Flores Divorce Attorneys (only 6.4 miles away!), or even suggest that you check in at the Los Angeles Drug and Alcohol Rehab Center (only 15.4 miles away and now licensed to help with Prozac addiction!). And starting next month, AdVice Beta will go the extra mile and set up AdPointments based on your AdViced e-mails!
AdVerb
Like AdJective, but with AdVerbs!
AdMail
It’s never been easier: AdMail writes the e-mails for you! Based on your previous e-mail and Internet search history, AdMail will simply replicate your personality and writing style—but with ads, of course! (Helpful if you will be away from your laptop for a long period of time.)
